The year of 2021-22 was the year I had planned to hang up my whip for good. While it was still a bit of a dream of mine to still run events, I no longer had wanted to be a professional dominatrix for various reasons. After losing my partner of 13 years very suddenly and tragically, my heart was no longer in it and my soul was crushed. Prior to him passing, we had planned to go into new ventures around that time, together. While he was kinky and submissive and truly supported everything I ever wanted to do especially in Pro BDSM, I still knew that I wanted to venture into a different path with him together, a business we believed in. Unfortunately we wouldn't be getting that chance.
I was exhausted from my severe grief, the demanding schedule sessions can bring, the many clients who were surprisingly not supportive and understanding (having never experienced that type of loss themselves, and being unaware how debilitating and life-altering it is), and I wanted my hobbies and life back, which took place outside dungeon walls, that I had neglected for so long due to a demanding schedule. I wanted to try to date, and see if I could find myself again and move towards a different path.
While women had rented my dungeon still, and I made sure to keep space for them and for myself should I ever need it and change my mind, I took a break for the first time in 16 years from professional BDSM. I met a wonderful man
and we traveled to other countries. I fell in love again when I least expected that happening. I worked on editing photos and releasing footage I had never before had a chance to do for my fan sites. I put my energy into my other vanilla business. I made plans to sell the event estate in favor of other vanilla ventures which were better suited for me, a grieving widow, trying to heal and un-complicate her life. I did take a few appointments during this time but they were coaching and educational workshops, usually for couples and were not a standard appointment.
Unfortunately, things did not work out the way my heart wanted them to. I decided that I needed to walk away from a situation I wanted so badly, but was not working for me, or healthy for me to be in. My heart longed for a life with someone someday, that I would never have and I knew I could not go on with this any longer. Speaking about it today, still hurts and I know that I will often miss them, think of them and hope they are doing ok.
Despite how hard it was and felt like another loss of some kind, I tried to be as strong as I could. After a few weeks, I decided to take appointments again. I fell back into it like I had never left. I definitely had missed it more than I thought I would have. The smiling faces, wild times, deep conversations and life-changing therapeutic experiences I offered to people, made my heart full and it was my work that distracted me from my pain, and helped my healing from that new type of loss.
I don't know what my future will bring with my career, but I am figuring that out all over again since my break. In a way, I am finding myself again, but this time, inside the career and not outside of it. I do know that regardless of what I choose, this will always be a part of me, and who I am. I will never fully leave the community, I will never be too far away.