Updated: Nov 9
This is something I never wanted to write. I felt something like this, shouldn't have to be written at all. Unfortunately, too much of this has come to my attention lately, and I feel the need to say something about it.
This industry can sometimes be a difficult one to be in. There is no college degree, and there are no classes which give a license to be a dominatrix. A person who wishes to become a dominatrix, must work extremely hard, learning all that she can. Her career success is entirely 100% up to her and her alone.
She must learn through other women, hoping for mentorships, trying out at a commercial dungeon, or trying to just learn all that she can online and through the lifestyle classes. Its very hard. The learning never ends, even after you are established.
She often must do this for many years, going out of her way to build her business in order to one day have a large amount of success, and regular, happy clientele singing her praises.
When you enter this job (and it is a job), you must treat it as such. You not only have to learn safe and proper BDSM techniques and applications, but also deeply psychological situations behind why people are asking for what they are asking for when booking you. You need to understand their fetishes and kinks to an extensive degree! You must not only get inside someone's head, but you must take them on a safe and thrilling journey, and teach them about themselves in the process. You must also offer them a clean, safe, equipped and professional environment for them to play with you in. Not only do you have to do all of that, but you must be the confident, well put-together professional in your appearance and demeanor that they seek out to give this experience to them.
There's a lot of different facets to what you have to offer and all must be offered in the best way possible.
You also have to be good to your community and your peers. Being a bad person will quickly lead to you being quite alone and definitely will hinder your success.
Unfortunately, some businesses are not for everyone, and some people are more hard working, and just more "natural" at succeeding in certain industries than others. I am sure many of you reading this, have the life experience to know this. Many of you can think of some coworkers you have or had, who are struggling through a job they should probably get some assistance in which might help them, or probably shouldn't be in at all, as they would excel likely in something else where their talents can be better applied. This applies to every career.
Due to there being no schooling, and no regulation for this career whatsoever, anyone can put an ad out and call themselves a dominatrix, even without learning a single thing about it. They will not be given a test. They can be a dominatrix for the rest of their lives no matter how much or how little they actually know. There's no one to fire them from this job if they aren't performing well, getting repeat business, behaving dangerously, or harming other people.
In a job where we are our boss, our talent, our book keeper, our social media person, our editor, our marketing department and so on, many people struggle in which to manage all of this. Some people are wonderful Mistresses, they are just not business savvy, and some are business savvy but not wonderful Mistresses. Some women do better than others overall, it's just the nature of things. Instead of finding an industry which they would excel in and be much happier, they stay here, and they stay here for a long time, unhappy and consistently not having the success they wish for. Like I said previously, there's no one to fire them if they aren't performing well or transfer them to another department that's much better suited for them.
I try very hard to be a helper in my industry and community because I feel sharing information and helping each other will make my industry a better place for everyone. I have been around for many years and I have a lot of advice to give. I am often mentoring young women, and often sharing advice with others taking a lot of time out of my life to do so. I can do all that I can to help people achieve success, but it is up to them to apply what I have taught them. Unfortunately, despite your kind efforts, sometimes there are still a lot of negative feelings, and a lot of jealousy among peers. It is normal to experience these feelings. We are all human beings. It never feels good when you try to do something you enjoy, and you aren't going places with it. Especially when you see others who are. Especially when you see others who are younger than you doing better.
Sex work, (which this job falls under, despite me not offering sex) deals with another layer of jealousy than most careers do, because we are often dealing with our appearance. When someone chooses to see a specific dominatrix, rather than seeing another dominatrix, this can bring upon some very intense and very upsettingly negative feelings to women who already struggle with their self esteem. It's difficult to watch others be booked consistently when you are rarely booked for appointments. Many people struggle to figure out the reasons why this is happening, and what they can change in order to have more bookings. Many fail to realize that sometimes this is not about looks. Sometimes she just does not have very appealing advertising, a bad website, or a poor reputation. Sometimes she just does not have the kinky gear and toys that someone is looking for. Sometimes the other Mistress was just in a better location.
Some people do not want to take advantage of the multitude of online classes and the overall community we now have connected online as a whole, in order to ask for help in bettering their careers. Some who do, still don't apply the information as best as they could be applying it.
While this is unfortunate, it is something that we can only do so much about. When women do not do well in this career, unfortunately some choose to slander the other women who are. This sadly creates enormous problems for those who are succeeding in this career, when these situations become serious and severe. We become targets for not just slandering, but doxing (being outed), and worse by these women. Some of these are women we have never even met, and sadly, some of the women who do this are women we have befriended and went out of our way to try to help when they were in horrible situations.
Examples of slandering would be Mistresses telling clients and other Mistresses untrue negative things about another Mistress they are jealous of. Untrue things commonly are:
-She is crazy. Don't see her for appointments
-She is a dangerous person. Don't see her for appointments.
-She did bad things to me and people I know. Don't see her for appointments.
-She is in legal trouble because she operates unsafe. Don't see her for appointments.
-Her rich boyfriend/husband/slave/sugar Daddy is why she has the things she has
-She does a lot of sexual activities which is why she makes so much money
Some people even go on to fabricate false stories.
Clients will go and see a Mistress and have a positive experience in an appointment, some nice conversation with her, and they now assume she is an honest person with only good intentions. They now unfortunately believe everything she says about the other women in the industry.
"She seems professional and nice. Why would she lie?"
She lies because she wants you to continue to only see her for appointments. She lies because she has hatred in her heart coming from a dark place. So they stay away from other women in the industry because she told them to. Women who are perfectly wonderful, professional and great who might actually be a much better fit for them, and can offer them a lot better of an experience.
I unfortunately have become a large target for this, along with so many other industry professionals. Over time, eventually these things get back to me from other women as well as clients. Clients don't always listen and they DO see other people and once we get to know each other and they feel comfortable, they feel the need to tell me that I was slandered by a woman they've seen. It's usually always the same Florida woman, over and over again and if not, it's the same several other women who target myself and others frequently.
I'm not here to bash another woman or women, mention names or stoop to that level. I am not here to get into personal details about how unfair this is after everything I did for some of these people. I am merely here to educate others on how this does happen, very often.
I could sit here and plead about how untrue it is and pick apart each lie I've heard, but I do not have to. My reputation for over 14 years often precedes me. My close industry friends and my slaves who know everything about me, often laugh at some of the things that are consistently said about me, by not surprisingly, the same negative people.
If I was so terrible, so unprofessional, so dangerous, I would have no business. Instead, I have a packed schedule of returning regulars. New clients at times have issues fitting into my schedule. I am promoted by and supported by industry legends like Lady Cheyenne of Clubdom.com. Amazing women in the industry would not work with me or wish to associate themselves with me, if I was so terrible. I would not be recommended by other peers for big important events that I have been blessed with, such as working the huge fetish show for one of the most famous fashion photographers in the world, Stephen Klein. I'd have made them look bad.
I would not have a multitude of successful sold out femdom events, and returning people who love attending them and working them. I would not have a packed schedule of regular clients who sing my praises frequently in every online area they can. I own 3 dungeons locations in 2 states and without giving away too much of my personal information, I will just say that I am very secure, well-invested, and able to retire tomorrow if I wished.
More important than anything, I am surrounded by wonderful, good people and I couldn't have that for long if I was operating a bad business or being a bad person.
I would not have the success I have, the dungeons I have, the clients who trust me with their lives and personal information, the events I have, or the overwhelming support of my community in the thousands when something negative happens who all rally behind me, as when one of these jealous hateful people outed me publicly, or constantly report my social media for adult content and have it removed. You cannot be dangerous, wreck-less, and/or evil in this industry and get very far. People will distance themselves from you because they don't want their reputations damaged. They don't want the unnecessary drama.
Your success heavily relies on your professionalism and the way others in it perceive you and the teamwork that can create. I lived a life of hard work and wise-planning but most importantly, I've lead a life where I was good to other people.
I am currently just 37 years old. I have what I SHOULD have, for all of the hard work I put into being a dominatrix, for 14 long and difficult but amazing years of my life. Maybe, I should have had more. I did the best I could with the knowledge and the time. When you are good at what you do, and good to others along the way, you will have good things to show for it.
While what I am going through is unfortunate, it won't change. I try not to be mad and I try not to hate. I instead try to feel bad that the people who behave this way cannot get the help they need and cannot succeed in an industry they love.
If you do hear something negative about me, open your eyes a little more and try to look at who it is coming from more closely. Look at their age, and their situation, and wonder why it is that they aren't very far along for all of the many years they've been here. Don't hate them, instead feel bad that they have to go out of their way to slander good people to keep a roof over their head.
To the people who have slandered me and outed my private information and worse, I feel terrible that you have so much hate in your hearts and are living a life full of negativity. To those who were friends, I am sad that after the good times we have had, and the very big things I did to help you when no one else was there, time and time again, you still decided to react this way to myself and to others who were very good to you for no reason at all.
You too, could have been at the successful place you wanted to be in your life. Instead, you are creating the opposite effect.
To those who have never met me, I am sorry that you missed out on a great friendship and industry connection. We could have done amazing things together. Instead you chose a path that only leads to put you into a worse situation than you are in now.