In the almost 12 years that I have been a professional dominatrix full-time, in mostly New York, I have seen many people and I have encountered many situations.
One of the things I see commonly, are people who are ashamed of being kinky and/or submissive. The other circumstance that I also see are people feeling guilty about being kinky or being submissive.
Society has made us feel for a very long time that our desires are wrong, evil or sinful. People have tried to stop feeling the way that they feel and desiring the things they desire because of this shame. They feel different from everyone else, a freak. Unfortunately, society has also made it that way for many potential significant others. It has been extremely difficult to tell a significant other about their kinky feelings and desires as society has brainwashed them also into thinking that it’s not proper and wrong.
This has driven people to see women like me, a professional dominatrix. Women like me understand the need and desire to submit or be kinky, and we do not judge as we also have our own desires and needs that are kinky. My clients, many of them feel shame and guilt. Shame for being the way they are, guilt for hiding their secret life of seeing a Mistress (or several) or even serving a dominatrix personally.
Many people go to therapists, to try to find out why they have these desires and to see if they can stop having them. Thankfully, there are more kink-aware therapists out there and this outcome is changing. In the past, uneducated and unaware therapists would tell men that they were going through a phase, or that it was due to an incident in their childhood, or any other excuse, all leading to the same result and that result would be that the kinky person needed to go through whatever he had to go through to forget BDSM/kink and be done with it. If men stopped at all, it was out of guilt and shame but the desires were still there. Now, therapists are often telling men that there is nothing wrong with having these desires as long as their interests are not endangering them or interfering with their day to day lives in a negative way. People are usually just born liking these things and sometimes it takes a specific moment for you to realize you like it. Like someone experiencing their rubber fetish for the first time, smelling rubber rain boots as a child.
Many people who have tried to quit BDSM/kink have come right back to it at some point. You cannot suppress who you are for too long, and you cannot change the things that make you who you are. If you love chocolate ice cream, you cannot ever hate it, unless you have so much of it that it becomes boring or sickening, but in time you will love it again. That is how BDSM/kink is, you will always love it, always crave it, always desire it. You can never “cure” yourself of it because there is nothing wrong with you in the first place.
It is a bit underground and still a bit taboo, but in reality its extremely popular, so popular that many men who see escorts ask for kinky activities and many strippers are engaging in mini sessions in lap dance rooms. Men call dungeons from the same work offices to book sessions, commonly and they do not even know it. Kinky porn is an enormous business as well.
Guilt often comes from hiding this side of yourself from a partner who will not accept it and having to go behind their back privately to engage in it. I cannot tell people what the right answer is here, as every situation is unique. I encourage trying to explain and educate your partner on your fetishes and desires, taking it very slow and trying hard to make it fun and interesting for them. If this doesn’t work, I am not a marriage counselor but the only advice I can give you is that sometimes people regret not leaving their spouses a while ago, because staying in a kinkless marriage has been very unfulfilling which has lead to a lot of issues and resentment. Some do not regret staying in their marriage, but enjoy their separate lives and they will live that life privately on the side until the day they die because it’s better than not having it as their BDSM/desires fulfills them and makes them feel complete and they need it. It’s a tough situation but one that I cannot assist someone with. I am no therapist or counselor.
I will say, that you can stop partaking in BDSM, you can stop seeing professional Mistresses, but the desires will always be there. The need will always be there. In some cases the cravings for it would be worse since you never have it. People who deprive themselves of BDSM/kink for a very long time sometimes start becoming resentful towards their spouse for their slightly stressed life without it. Sometimes they do not but they try to get it through watching kinky porn but often say it is never enough and come back to my dungeon. You personally, will never change. People have been really sloppy gotten caught by their wives or family engaging in BDSM//kink alone or with a dominatrix (thankfully never with me) and they still, even after their life has been in turmoil because of it, crave it and want it and seek it out.
It’s a part of who you are, you have to figure out what to do with it. Never be ashamed of it.