First time with a Pro Domme? Welcome to:
THE SESSION GUIDE:
What every person should know before seeing a Dominatrix
by Mistress Michelle Lacy
This guide will teach you:
-What to think about while finding out what you are into.
-How to describe your interests using accurate terminology
-How to look for and book your perfect Mistress.
-Things to stay away from and how to spot: fake advertising, dangerous play, etc.
-What we look for in a potential client.
-What happens when you flake or cancel last minute.
-How to correctly cancel your session with courtesy.
-How to prepare beforehand, what to expect in a session, safety.
-The difference between a commercial dungeon and an independent Dominatrix, which path is for you?
-General Do’s and Don’ts.
-Safety, Subspace, Aftercare.
-Tips and Tricks in becoming our favorite.
Step 1: WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR?
Some guys know exactly what they are into and what they are looking for, at least the basics. But some are still figuring themselves out and learning and do not know how to articulate what they need.
Having trouble thinking of what you want to try in a session with a Dominatrix?
Make a list just for yourself of the things you are interested in and want to try. Don’t leave anything out even if you assume a Pro Domme doesn’t do it. Remember this list is only for you. Don’t worry if you do not have the right terminology for it, just try hard to describe the activities, and the feelings you want to experience. Keep reading to learn more about this. Just picture in your mind what you are looking for on a basic level. We will move on to popular terminology and hopefully some lightbulbs will go off when you read something that you feel is YOU.
(FEEL FREE TO SKIP AHEAD TO STEP 2 IF YOU DO NOT NEED THIS LIST):
Terminology is important, and often most terminology that is given to professional Mistresses from potential clients to describe themselves, is not accurate. This can lead to you getting something you aren’t looking for. It’s hard to figure terminology out and often the images and videos you see on the internet give the wrong terminology. For example, the internet constantly labels any person who is submitting to a dominant (anyone kissing a boot, being spanked, being tied up, and so on) as a “slave.” That actually isn’t what slavery necessarily is, and most of the people in that role are not actually a “slave.” So people often say “I’m a slave” when they actually aren’t, and when the appointment takes place, they are put into the role of a slave by the dominatrix and that actually was not what they were looking for. The client doesn’t understand that HE asked for the wrong thing and instead, he assumes the dominatrix didn’t understand him. An experienced dominatrix will ask questions if she feels you may not be getting terms correct, but some will not. So it’s always best if YOU know what you are talking about. Another common mistake is that people often assume that they are only looking for or called ONE thing. People can be more than one thing, and are often multi-faceted. It is because of this reason, that I describe each topic in detail on my APPOINTMENTS page.
-What is drawing you towards seeing a Pro Domme in the first place?
-What types of things on the internet or in your fantasies intrigue you?
-Do you imagine your time with a Mistress as being a time where you are a submissive man? Meaning, do you like a Dominant woman to take charge and control you and surrendering yourself to her in the hopes to please her through various acts?
-Are you the type who fantasizes about taking pain for a Dominant woman or crave pain (even if you are unsure how much pain you can handle and are afraid)? If so, you are likely a masochist. Some are light masochists, some are heavy masochists. Everyone is different. Or do you dislike receiving pain?
-Do you fantasize about rubbing her feet, fetching her coffee, and tending to her needs in different ways as if you are her owned property? Do you have a strong desire to belong to her and be trained by her like a servant who waits on her? If so, you might be a deeper kind of submissive called a slave.
-Are you into being restrained? Feeling helpless? You might want to list bondage/restraints
-Are you a fetishist? Do you have a very strong attraction to a body part or an object such as feet, high heels, boots, leather, latex outfits, gloves for example? Stockings? Pantyhose? Does your ideal situation involve a Mistress dressed in shiny tight rubber? Or anything very specific that is an absolute need for you? A fetish is a STRONG attraction vs just a mild attraction. For example you might think that lingerie is sexy but you are not obsessed with lingerie where a Mistress NEEDS to be dressed in it.
-Are you interested in being degraded? Slapped in the face, spit at, called names, verbally cruel taunts, made to do demeaning things? Some are interested in light or severe forms of degradation.
-Are you interested in being laughed at? Humiliated by your Mistress? Made to do silly and stupid activities that amuse her and maybe even her friends too? Are you interested in being their bossed-around court jester? You might enjoy light or severe humiliation.
-Are you into her ignoring you, using you as a chair, a foot rest, a table, even maybe a toilet? Are you there to be a piece of furniture to her? An human ashtray while she smokes and ignores you? Then you are into objectification/human furniture play/(human ashtray play).
-Are you into cross-dressing, complete with make-up, wigs, and training to be a woman in a very agreeable way where you desire to feel like and act like a female? This is basic cross-dressing.
-Are you into being FORCED or MADE TO CROSSDRESS as a form of amusement for her, or punishment? Then you are into forced-feminization.
-Are you into cross dressing without force, made to look as passably female as possible? Then you are into cross dressing.
-Are you into being cross-dressed in over the top frilly exaggerated feminine outfits and made to act extremely overly exaggeratedly feminine? You are probably into sissy training. Or being your Mistress’s sissy maid.
-Are you into playing out a fantasy such as a schoolboy and his teacher, or a boss and secretary, co-workers, Batman and CatWoman, or any other role other than Dominatrix and client? If so, you are into a role-play.
-Are you interested in being punished by a Dominant woman in a household setting such as a living room or kitchen with every day objects like a wooden hair brush or a spatula with her dressed up in very normal, non-fetish-related attire? Then you are into a “Domestic Discipline Scene.”
-Are you into being beaten by a sadistic woman with a cane, flogger, whip or paddle or many other implements for her enjoyment or perhaps as punishment, maybe made to count each strike, wanting to leave feeling sore and maybe even with marks? You are into corporal punishment.
-Are you into adult baby play? Want to be nurtured or punished from a Motherly type figure?
-Are you into regressing in age to a certain age (2 or a 4 yr old for example) or many different younger ages? Then you are into age play/age regression.
-Are you into your Mistress fucking you in the ass with a strap-on dildo? Then you are into slut-training.
-Are you interested in a bratty girl-next-door type controlling you, (pretending to) blackmail you, or have her way with you? Someone in regular clothing?
-Do you fantasize about your Mistress whoring you out for money? Training you to suck her strap-on so you can suck real cock one day?
-Are you into being strapped down to a medical table and have an evil doctor or nurse do whatever wild exam and tortures she wishes on you? You are definitely into medical play.
-Are you into your Mistress putting you into a few different positions where she might sit on you, rest her feet on your, or use you as a table, likely ignoring you often during her use of you? Then you are into objectification/human furniture play.
There are so many forms of BDSM play and session activities, but these above ideas are just a few examples of common ones to go on. Also think about session activities: Electro play, chastity, bondage, breath play, public outings, kidnapping scenes, and so on. Do you have a video or a photo of a Dominatrix and a slave, or a scene from a mainstream movie that drives you crazy? What about it intrigues you?
Sometimes people want to book a dominatrix to try out something pretty simple like being dominated by feet and made to worship them. This is OK! You are not too “boring” for us. We are here to help you get started in your journey, and perhaps we can open your eyes to more things later when you are ready.
Step 2: HOW TO CHOOSE A MISTRESS
You have a list of general ideas. Over time your Dominatrix will try many new things with you and you will be blown away by the wild times you will have with her. Now you have to find a Mistress who seems like a good fit with you. Here is what to look for.
-A good Mistress usually has a very informative website and well written and professional looking advertising. If she has an outdated, very bland, not informative website and really poor looking advertising, chances are that also reflects on her as a person. If she has NO website, she may not even be a real Mistress! All real professionals have websites AND advertising.
-Her interest list should match most of your own. If she is a GREAT Mistress, she will have photos or videos of her doing the actual acts, showing her skills. Those photos and videos may not be all visible on her social media as there are restrictions for posting adult content there, but they may be on her website to some degree, and will most definitely be on a clip/video store and/or on a fan site such as onlyfans.com or avnstars.
For example, you are interested in heavy bondage and she has photos of herself with her slave in heavy bondage. You are interested in a Dominatrix who can throw a whip, she has photos or videos of her whipping someone. A lot of horrible Dominatrices will list things they can’t actually do and try to fake it to make money assuming it’s easy and you won’t know the difference. It’s always wonderful if they have pictures or videos engaging in the acts. You might find a lot of Mistresses listing more photos on fetlife.com or on their fan membership sites. That’s a great place to check if their website is lacking a good gallery. Don’t expect much on instagram or twitter because they do not allow adult content and frequently remove posts, or entire accounts.
It might be worth joining for $20 or whatever the fee is to her fan site to check out her work. You will either feel relieved, or have saved yourself a lot of grief seeing she doesn’t play with people much at all. Definitely dig deep as she may be engaging in your interests often, but hasn’t lately.
There’s a difference between a Mistress holding a whip in her hand in a photo as a prop and actually using one. If you are into more verbal play over technical skill, see if she has any writings online you can read. Is she articulate? Descriptive? Does she write wild stories about her past sessions or about her life adventures? If she does, chances are she’s pretty amazing verbally in a session. See if she has any POV videos for sale. Call her on niteflirt or sextpanther for 10 minutes to see how she handles your interests.
-Looking for a Mistress with a large amount of technical skills? Suspension bondage? Intense corporal punishment? Long experiences over 3 hours? Go with a long-time experienced Domme who has been around for a while (7 or more years) and has a very large and long online presence vs. someone very young and new. Aim for a Mistress in her early 30s at a minimum.
-Don’t expect sex acts. Most Pro Dommes do not engage in sex acts with their clients (intercourse, hand jobs, blow jobs, allow oral or anilingus on her) and the ones who will are very few and far between. You should never go into a session expecting or assuming sex acts are involved just because the video on the internet shows a Dominatrix and her slave engaging in it. Dominatrices usually don’t work that way and take a lot of offense if you ask for something like that. If sex acts are an extremely important part of your session, you are better off seeing an escort. Most escorts are no strangers to BDSM requests. If you are more concerned with her having the skills and mindset to dominate you and turn you into her little piñata, then you are better off scratching the sex acts off your wish list and booking with a skilled Domme. You could find one that offers both skilled BDSM and sex, but you should ask in a polite way. "I know this is unlikely and forgive me if it is rude to ask but I am also interested in ______ . I know some Dommes don't do that and I am not trying to offend, I'm simply trying to find one that fits with my interests." Being polite may lead her to referring someone for you who might be a better fit, or at the very least, still being interested in seeing you, sans the acts they aren’t comfortable with doing. Don’t expect her to feel comfortable even discussing sex acts with you (if she does do them on occasion under certain circumstances) if you don’t have references up front.
- If a provider has the words “body rub, massage, BDSM body rub, full service, everything you want, I’ll make you happy, nude domination, happy endings, she’s probably not a classic dominatrix, but more like a kink-friendly escort, or a sensual dominatrix. While those women definitely fill a niche in our society and are valuable, it might not be what you had in mind.
-Check for stolen/fake photos. Do the photos in her ad match the photos on her website? She has no website? Photos in her advertising seem questionable? Grab her photos off of her ad and save them to your desktop. Drag and drop them off of your desktop into google images, right into the search bar. If they are stolen from a different woman, it’ll come up in a google search. Sometimes it doesn't but it's usually reliable. There are a lot of stolen photos from Dommes, porn stars and escorts all over the place in advertising. If they seem fake, they probably are. There are fake instagrams and twitter accounts popping up every single day. We can barely keep up with them. Professional Mistresses NEVER message random people and start up a conversation and then ask for money or gifts. These are scammers. DO NOT make this mistake. I do not have a kik messenger, but there are many scammers pretending to be me on kik and instagram and I can barely keep up with having them removed. REPORT SCAMMERS PLEASE! Our real social media profiles are ALWAYS on our websites. NEVER talk to anyone on any platform that isn’t listed and verified on our websites.
-Use a site like Eros.com to find a Mistress. Eros requires a person to submit their ID when placing an ad, to make sure that they are the real person in the ad, and not someone trying to scam someone out of sending them an appointment deposit. Eros has almost no occurrences of fraud ads because of this. Other popular sites do not have an ID verification.
-Poor spelling, grammar, text-speak, slang. You are getting a horrible and very trashy person, which will lead to a very unprofessional appointment. If someone is so disinterested in how professional and intelligent they should come across to a potential submissive client, then how professional do you think they would be in an appointment?
-Study her social media. Once you see that a Mistress has a real social media account that isn’t fake, see how she interacts with the world on a regular basis. She should always portray herself to be very professional. She may show some different sides to her personality, such as some humor from time to time, or discuss things that she feels strongly about, but she should always be professional. She should also, have clients who have social media accounts, regularly interacting with her on her own, and singing her praises regarding the appointments they just had with her, or in the past. This will not be 1 or 2 guys, but more like a dozen or more in the past few months alone. Not every client has social media and is posting, but she should have so many subs, that many are on social media interacting with her. Make sure they are not just random subs chatting with her, but look for things such as “WOW Mistress, this picture you posted reminds me of the first whipping I did with you, and it was amazing! Feels like that was just yesterday!” A social media account that only lists links to fan sites with almost no regular postings is worrisome as she likely isn’t a busy Mistress. One single sub singing her praises is a red flag.
-REVIEWS! Ask for a review online on a forum. Join MaxFisch.com THE HANG (it’s free), and ask in the review section. If other subs have seen her, they will chime in and write about their time or private message you about it. Join the review group I run on fetlife.com
-Some advertising platforms only allow a few sentences. Mistresses will abbreviate things: cbt=cock and ball torture cbb=cock and ball bondage fb=forced-bi nt=nipple torture s/o=strapon. If there is only a short paragraph in an ad, it’s not her fault. Also, many of them such as Eros, do not allow us to list our websites. Google her Mistress name and find her website!
-She may have a fake bad review. Other Mistresses unfortunately have acted poorly towards some of us and have listed bad reviews of us as if they were clients who had seen us. Sometimes subs who we didn’t feel comfortable seeing for sessions any longer have retaliated and done this. Fake reviews are easy to spot because if you carefully examine the review, there will usually be a lot of stabs at our appearance, which is typical of someone who is jealous or hateful (“she’s fat! She’s ugly!” when our frequent social media posts of current pics and videos will tell you otherwise). Sometimes you’ll find not very well thought-out posts which do not make much sense and contradict themselves (“she threatened to blackmail and out me and she ran off with my deposit money” and then taking stabs at her appearance, which someone ACTUALLY being outed/blackmail threatened would never do out of fear). You may come across a few of these with a lot of popular Mistresses.
-Watch out for fake social media accounts, especially ones featuring Mistresses who start contacting YOU to start up a convo that eventually leads to them asking for money for something. Professional Mistresses would NEVER contact you to try to push money from you! Always go with the social media accounts verified on the website of the Mistress and never others.
-Session deposits are ALWAYS mandatory, so get used to it. No professional Mistress that I know would ever risk her reputation, or the relationship they would want to build with a future, frequently returning client, over running off with an appointment deposit. That would be the equivalent of someone taking $20 from a store cash register where they are employed, and running away, costing them their actual job/income and the potential to be hired in the future anywhere else...over $20. That’s exactly how your deposit is to us. It seems like a lot of money to you, but it isn’t a lot of money to us compared to what we would lose taking it. It’s peanuts to us, to damage a sometimes a more than 6 figure income career. See a reputable professional and you have nothing to worry about.
-Even the most experienced Mistress can be a bad choice or not a good fit for you. Personalities could clash. You may have unrealistic expectations. Some subs have a bad first time and let that Dominatrix reflect all Dominatrices. The second Dominatrix you choose could be incredible.
Don’t give up, use it as a learning experience. Every Dominatrix is different.
STEP 3. CONTACTING A DOMINATRIX
THINK OF WHAT TO ASK HER IN ADVANCE
Before you sound like a nervous wreck on the phone or send her 100 emails because you forgot to ask all your questions the first time, make a mental list (or a physical one) of the things you want to ask her like her availability, her general location, and her rates. Make sure she did not already answer those questions on her website or advertising and you skipped over it. This is very rude. Tell her what you are into but sound professional about it, and not as if you are seeking her to talk dirty to you. She will assume you are some horny creep just wasting her time. Be as professional sounding as possible. From the moment you speak, or the moment we read your first sentence, we are scanning for warning signs of time-wasters. People who are serious in booking a session, will state their interests, but also get to asking the questions or giving any kind of information which pertain to actually making something happen (when, where and how much). Most Mistresses today only book through email and not on the phone and give their booking line out after a deposit.
WANT TO TALK TO HER ON THE PHONE BEFORE BOOKING?
Mistresses have ways of communicating with you for as little or as much as you need before you decide to book an appointment in a way that is fair for us where we get paid. That is through sites such as niteflirt or sextpanther. There, you can call or text Mistresses questions, and even get a little kinky over the phone. They charge per minute so make sure if you are calling to ask questions, that you have most of your questions laid out in advance. She can even send you pics or videos that you can pay for.
HOW TO CONTACT A DOMINATRIX
Email a dominatrix something that is way too long and she will assume you are a wanker or an email freak. That is someone who gets off on writing us very long and very elaborate stories about their kinky fantasies. Your email can be descriptive and informative but must be to the point, and must state that you are interested in booking a session.
Most of the time, professionals have questions they need answered or a form to make things even easier for you. FOLLOW THEIR DIRECTIONS and do NOT leave anything out. If she asks for your availability, give it to her. If you do not know yet, say “unknown at this time, but trying to figure out for an appointment in the near future.” Leaving things blank or leaving questions unanswered seems like you do not care, or might not even be serious.
We ask the things we ask FOR GOOD REASON. We are actually making the process more seamless and much faster. You may assume that leaving out answers and asking a question instead is faster but it’s not, it makes it much longer and more stressful. We NEED the info we ask so we can give you proper rates and availability. If you don’t tell me what you are into and for roughly how long you may want to see me, I can’t give you rates per hour. I can’t tell you when I am available if you aren’t giving me your availability. Mine changes every single day.
“Hello. My name is John. I’m brand new to this and very nervous but decided I need to finally take the plunge. I liked your website and I see we have a lot of the same interests. (Friendly)
I know I am submissive and I have a foot fetish. I like the idea of a Dominant woman controlling me. Pain is something I want to try but I am new to it so I ask we take things very slow. A few things that interest me also are bondage and also human furniture play. I am intrigued by verbal degradation but have never before tried it so perhaps that is something we can also try? I had a girlfriend tie me up once and control me during sex but that was the only past experience I ever had and I always wanted something more. I’ve never seen an actual Dominatrix. (Informative, but short and to the point. Seems like this guy has been trying to figure out his interests and knows a bit of what he’s into). I have a fetish also for black stockings. I have knee problems so I can’t kneel on a hard surface or for a long period of time. (Things I should know in advance, glad he mentioned this right away so I don’t forget the stockings and so I know to not put pressure on his knees).
I am available Friday and Saturday evenings after 6pm. Roughly, where are you located and when are you available? I’d like maybe to have a short phone conversation with you first if that’s ok just to make sure this is really you.
Thanks in advance Mistress Michelle. I hope you consider me for a session.
-John 555-555-5555 (please call only before 5pm, and don’t text or leave voicemails)” OR “Please email me back.”
(Implies you wanting to move onto the next steps, such as chatting with her and booking an appointment).
If she doesn’t ask, then these are the things to include:
-Availability (what days and times are you available for this?)
-Desired length of appointment (how many hours)
-interests (do as best as you can describing them)
-Limits (things that are OFF the table such as you cannot have marks, you do not wish to bleed, you do not want to be humiliated or spoken down to, you cannot have blindfolds or hoods because you are claustrophobic). If unknown, then say “I do not know what they are, I am new.”
-References if you have them. Have you seen someone before for an appointment? Name her and give her website link so we can make sure you aren’t a serial killer. We don’t ask one another for details, only to know if you were safe and sane. That’s it. “IS HE SAFE?” That’s all.
HOW TO NOT CONTACT A DOMINATRIX
“Yo, u avail?” (You are a time-wasting disrespectful jerk)
“I want a session. How much?” (You are not even telling us what you are into, and for how long of an appointment, so how can we give you a price, most likely very unintelligent and disrespectful)
“How many roses?” (roses are a term for money that guys use when booking escorts. this person most likely is after sex).
“Call me. BOB 555-5555” (No).
“I want you to own me and control me and I want to be your slave forever. Tom 555-5555.” (you want to be my slave for free and are not interested in booking a real appointment)
“(insert 2-5 page biography of perverted past endeavors and kinky future hopes).” (you are jerking off while writing this, and you are going to email this novel of smut to every dominatrix listed in all 50 states).
AVOID
The Dommes who write you back, or answer you on the phone with just a session rate.
“Ok. 250/hr.”
You are looking for enthusiastic Dommes who actually read your email:
“Sounds like we are a good fit. I am very much into extreme bondage if you couldn’t tell from my website. I also think you would like my new bondage bed. My session rates are $400/hr.”
THINGS SHE NEEDS TO KNOW IN ADVANCE
We want to know what your limits are. You might not know what your limits are yet. But it helps to know for example that golden showers will never be your thing, and you don’t want her to make you bleed. Or that you are into being verbally degraded but certain things might be going too far like poking fun at your weight or age. Things to think about. If you can or can’t have marks on you such as a bruise or a whip mark. If you have health problems like diabetes, hypertension, or recently had surgery. If you truly are unsure, just say so, and we will work with you as we go.
HOW LONG DO MARKS LAST ANYWAY?
Everyone heals at a different rate. Reddened butts and backs from a flogging or a spanking will usually go away in 1-2 hours but you might feel sore the next day or 2 after. Rope marks from tight bondage, in under 30 minutes, massage your marks. Bruises and welts from a paddle or a nasty leather strap might last 2-8 days depending on how fast you heal. Whip marks from a single tail could last a week or 3 weeks if you heal very slow. Cane strokes that are deep purple could last 2-3 weeks until fully gone. If you have access to a beach, the ocean water will dramatically speed up your healing process, so keep your shirt on and hide those strange marks from public view and dive on in. If you cannot have lasting marks, make sure you tell your Mistress, and remind her you need a good long and thorough warm-up. This is when she will hit you with implements that do not mark and get your skin very red to increase blood flow and speed up healing and prevent lasting marks. The better the warm-up, the less lasting marks you will have. Although a severe whipping and caning will still leave marks. Some people have conditions where they bruise or mark extremely easily. Diabetics may not heal very fast.
GO TO A DUNGEON OR SEE AN INDEPENDENT DOMINATRIX AT HER LOCATION/DUNGEON? WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?
A dungeon or what we call a commercial dungeon is run by someone and has a staff of Mistresses working there to choose from. You pick out a girl off of their website or in their ad and book an appointment on the phone with her through the dungeon manager (usually, the head Mistress) who answers the phone. They have themed session rooms and respect the privacy of their clients. Most women who work at a dungeon are brand new, or fairly new, or have a few short years of experience under their belt. Sometimes they host traveling Mistresses who are in town and they are very experienced. Sometimes one or 2 Mistresses have been working there for a very long time and stay because they enjoy it, have a good thing going. Usually the dungeon takes half or more of the session money as their cut. The Dominatrix who works there makes 35-50% of the session price on average. Mistresses who work at a dungeon are often called “on- staff” or “house Mistresses/Dommes”
An independent Dominatrix (or an indie) is someone who has usually done their time at a commercial dungeon, learned a lot, and wants to grow and do more and work on her own. She has outgrown her commercial dungeon gig. Usually independent Dommes travel a lot, have lots of experience, feature at commercial dungeons, and some even have private dungeons of their own. If they don’t have their own studio, they go to their favorite commercial dungeon and rent a room from them for $80 per hour or so. They usually have websites and advertise for themselves only.
Despite what you may assume, professional Mistresses actually make a lot of money, if they are good at what they do. They will usually have their own dungeon set-up, whether they rent an apartment to place it in, or a house, or they own the property themselves. They should have a LOT of toys and equipment. If they have more than 10 years of experience, the set-up should dazzle you.
The Pros and Cons of a Commercial dungeon vs. an Independent Dominatrix
-At a commercial dungeon, you can sometimes hear the session going on in the next room if it’s very loud. Sometimes that’s exciting. Sometimes that ruins your own session. That all depends on your comfort level with that kind of thing. Some independents have their own private dungeons or use other independent Domme’s private dungeons where likely, it’s just your session going on.
-An independent dominatrix, you deal with her and her only. There’s no dungeon manager or dungeon phone girl. Nervous newbies might find this a comfort.
-An independent at her own dungeon space, will politely tell you when your time is up, or going to be up, or she won’t mind it going over a few minutes and sticking exactly to the hour. At a commercial dungeon, there is pressure to keep things exactly on time, and a dungeon manager can and will knock, sometimes loudly, when your hour is up, or even try to hassle you to stay another hour if you get a particularly pushy manager.
-An independent sometimes has to pay to rent a dungeon space if she does not have her own. But sometimes she can discount you for multiple hours if you are seeing her in her private space, or a hotel where she is staying while in town, or have her Dominatrix friends join in on your session for a much lower cost than what a commercial dungeon charges. A commercial dungeon has to keep the fee high because they are splitting it between them and the Dominatrix. It has to be worth it for them. A dungeon manager will stick to original prices for fear of getting in trouble by the dungeon owner if she gives discounts.
-Usually a skilled and experienced indie dominatrix will charge higher than your average dungeon charges for a staff Dominatrix. Sometimes $50/hr higher. But sometimes you get a better experience than a dominatrix who is brand new and on staff at a dungeon for less money.
-An independent dominatrix, you can have a nice informative email or phone chat before a session to make you feel comfortable and get to know your dominatrix. A house Mistress at a commercial dungeon, you are almost never allowed to talk to her in advance, and if you are, only for a short time. Everything is done through the dungeon phone manager and you only really get to talk to your Mistress when you arrive for your session, for a few minutes before your session starts.
-An independent Mistress can usually orchestrate a wild fantasy you might have, such as an overnight slavery scene or a kidnapping, because she’s not only very experienced, but has her own dungeon space to do it in, or might know where it can happen. These things can rarely happen at busy commercial dungeons, and if they can pull it off, it will be very costly.
-A commercial dungeon is exciting, has many themed rooms and many women on staff. An independent dominatrix might be renting a room from the same commercial dungeon for your session. Whether you are booking through the commercial dungeon or through an independent who is renting a room from that dungeon, you might get a say in which room you like to use if it’s available. Also, if you are not shy, sometimes your Mistress will allow other Mistresses at the dungeon will come into your session and participate.
STEP 5: WHAT TO EXPECT/HOW TO PREPARE
CONFIRMATION CALL. She will probably want you to call her when you are on your way over or at a specified time an hour or so before the session time. That is an indication that you are still on board with this. Most guys who flake out won’t make the confirmation call. If you are serious, do not skip out on this call. Don’t make this call later than the specified time.
TAKE A SHOWER. GROOM. Hygiene is extremely important. If you are new and nervous you might sweat. Wear deodorant. Chew a breath mint. If you are into cock and ball torture, then you might want to shave or your hair will be stuck and yank in between the rope she uses to tie up your genitals. If you are seeking any anal play from butt plugs to strap-on dildos, give yourself an enema or 2. Buy a kit in a drug store.
DON’T FLAKE ON HER OR CANCEL LAST MINUTE. Don’t book a session unless you are sure you are truly ready for this. It’s very rude and greatly puts out the Dominatrix if she thinks she is going to have a session with you and you cancel or do not show up at the last minute. Most of you have this very warped idea that a Dominatrix is just sitting at a dungeon all day and night in a leather corset waiting by the phone, and that you can see her in 10 minutes, or that if you cancel, she’s there anyway just hanging out bossing slaves around. Most of the time we are home and only go to a dungeon if you book with us. She might have driven or commuted very far to the dungeon JUST FOR YOUR SESSION, paid gas, tolls, or train fare, paid someone to babysit if she’s a Mom. She could have booked someone else in your place and now can’t and you just messed up her paycheck. When you miss a day of work, it is probably not financially detrimental. If she misses a session, that is the equivalent of you missing 2 days of work without pay if she can’t book someone else in your place because you flaked or waited too long to cancel. You don’t realize it, but by you not doing the right thing, you really messed up someone’s livelihood and ruined their day.
HOW TO PROPERLY CANCEL YOUR SESSION
If you do for some reason feel afraid, and have bad anxiety and are not ready even though you were very confident when booking, contact her immediately to cancel. People cancel sometimes, things happen, and we are used to it. Make something up. You got called into work. Your babysitter cancelled. Doesn’t matter. Whatever. She will be happy that she knew way in advance so you didn’t waste her time (the night before, the morning of, hours before, the sooner the better). She will be more likely to think you are responsible and give you another shot next time around since you gave her that courtesy. Flake or cancel last minute, and most likely that dominatrix is going to blacklist you as a time-wasting and inconsiderate flake. She will keep your email and phone number on file so she knows. Change your email and your number and contact her again, she will know your phone voice and your session interests and remember you being the guy who bailed on her. We are extremely in-tune to those things. She might even put you on the several Pro Domme blacklists that are out there which will give you a very hard time from booking other Dommes in the future especially if you do it more than once. So don’t be a dick, do the right thing. Have to unfortunately cancel at the very last minute (within 3 hours before your booked session)? Send her 50% of her tribute in the form of an amazon.com giftcard as an apology. You can buy one and have amazon send it to her email address. It’s a nice gesture and very considerate.
ARRIVING EARLY IS OK but don’t expect her to be ready. Alert her that you are there, but that you will stay put until she says she is ready for you. Don’t bang on the door or ring her phone many times. She might be with a previous client and is finishing up with him. Or she’s in the shower.
DON’T BE LATE unless it’s unavoidable. Call to let her know.
WHAT IS A SESSION LIKE?
Every Dominatrix and every dungeon is different, but usually a session goes like this:
Your Dominatrix will greet you at the door and walk you into a room or into her dungeon. If the place is empty and is large with many themed rooms, you might be lucky and she will give you a little tour. PAY HER UP FRONT, even if she doesn’t ask for it. Otherwise you forget afterward due to being almost dizzy over the amazing time you had, putting her in an awkward position to ask you for the money.
She might bring you into an equipped dungeon room, and with the dim lighting, dark colors and wild dungeon furniture, the room might seem very scary and intimidating to a newbie, but eventually that room will be so familiar it will be like your own bedroom and it will be a sight of comfort, a sight of fun erotic memories. She might not bring you into a dungeon-themed room, but more of a basic room where she has a few toys. Every woman has a different place, after all.
Once in there, she will engage in polite conversation with you, going over your interests and limits again, or she might be very personable and even comical and crack jokes to ease your tension and make you smile. A good Dominatrix will know how to put you at ease. Once things are pretty much covered, she will get started. You will find she is not the scary super strict woman you were afraid to meet, but a very warm woman who will ease your fears and take things slow.
She might put on music, put her phone on silent, light a candle. Your phone should be off unless you are waiting for an important call. If you are, tell her in advance. She will ask you to undress. 99% of our clients are fully naked. Some are clothed and some wear underwear. It all depends on your scene. Most Dommes will allow you to keep your socks on if the floor is a bit cold.
She will slowly since you are new, work you into a scene. She will read your body language, ask questions and see how you are reacting to the things she is doing. If she is administering pain, she will start very very light and slowly build.
If I am seeing someone who is new and seems to be very nervous, I will discuss each thing I am doing with them as I am doing it. The instructional approach seems to make them feel a lot better. Once they are comfortable, I know I can keep going without it. I have made newbies feel so comfortable that we have been able to do scenes they thought they wouldn’t be able to do for a very long time, in their first session. That is not impossible, with a good Dominatrix. Your Mistress will switch from activity to activity very fluidly and very naturally. She knows what she is doing. She’s probably had hundreds of sessions. She will know exactly what to do with you.
If you are not enjoying something, or can’t handle what she is doing, tell her. Vocalize it. She will be happy you said something and will switch to something else. If you never say anything you will have a horrible time. Don’t be afraid to speak up.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN A SESSION IS OVER?
The Dominatrix will simply stop the session. She might save a certain activity for a finale. If you are in a trance, or subspace, she might let you relax for a while or give you aftercare. Some slaves want to masturbate at the end of their sessions because the session itself is a form of "sex" to them. Ask your Mistress what she does and doesn’t allow.
DO I BRING A GIFT OR GIVE A TIP?
That’s entirely up to you but it’s never required. It’s nice to tip a house Dominatrix working at a dungeon because they don’t take home most of the session fee. Usually men tip $50 or so depending on the length of the appointment. Some tip higher. Independents are sometimes given a tip or a gift. I am tipped anywhere from $50 to $500 depending on how long the appointment is, or how generous the client is. One memorable time, a pair of Christian Louboutin
Usually Independents are treated very nice by their subs because their expertise and time is very much valued and appreciated.
If any Dominatrix goes above and beyond to give you an amazing session it’s always nice to tip her or send her a gift as a thank you. She might like a bottle of wine. She might like an amazon.com giftcard. Cash is always a winner. Obviously, don't tip a woman who gave you a lousy session.
WE LOVE HEARING THAT YOU HAD A GREAT TIME
Had a great time? Email us a nice thank-you. We love that. Write a nice review for us online on a forum.
THINGS NOT TO DO
Do not annoy your Mistress with constant emails, calls or texts about your fantasies. Respect her privacy and personal time.
Do not bug your Mistress to be her personal slave, if she wants that of you, she will inquire.
Do not push for activities, such as sexual ones, your Mistress already turned down once, unless you want her to not ever see you again and warn others about your annoying nature.
Do not push for discounts or free sessions or for extra unpaid free time.
Do not hound your Mistress constantly about how excited you are for your session. She has a right to spend her time outside of the dungeon thinking about her PERSONAL LIFE. She is plotting your session when she feels she is mentally ready to plot your session. She also has to plot the sessions of many other people.
SAFETY, SUBSPACE, AFTERCARE
You should never session with a Domiantrix who seems drunk or high.
A dominatrix should be hitting you with the last few inches of her flogger, and with the end of her whip. She should not be wrapping the whip or flogger around your hips/torso. You should not have long whip lash marks on your body, she is standing way too close. She should not be hitting you in the lower back/kidney area PERIOD or spine/neck with her hand, paddles, crops, canes, straps, even floggers can be heavy. She should not keep your arms above your head for a long period of time, a good Domme will feel if your hands are getting cold and lower them. She will adjust her bondage to promote circulation if necessary. Always tell her if something is numb or hurting right away.
SUBSPACE is a phenomenon that some men will experience. It is when the endorphins, excitement, mental stimulation, and sometimes even pain you experience can drive you into a state of deep mental space. Subspace IS REAL and not a rumor not made up, not a mind-over-matter thing. People who experience sub space say they feel high, dizzy, hypnotized, lost in a trance, and men who are heavy masochists say that the pain when they are in subspace will feel so good they crave more and more of it and sometimes do not realize how much damage the dominant is causing on their body as a result until it's too late. They also can feel very emotional, such as extremely happy, extremely depressed or extremely obedient. Your eyes might roll back into your head. You may no longer hear your Dominatrix, be unable to speak or form sentences. If you experience subspace during your session for the first time, your Dominatrix should be checking in on you, know when to call it quits, and calm you back down to reality. Sometimes after years of playing with a Dominatrix, a man might suddeny experience subspace for the very first time out of the blue. It's easier for some than it is for others. For some they never experience it at all. It's not uncommon but not for everyone and some experience a light form of it while others have a much more severe experience with it.
AFTERCARE If you are bleeding, shaking, dizzy, scared, or going through many emotions after your session, your Dominatrix should be providing you with proper aftercare. She should be tending to your wounds and have a first aid kit. She should discuss the scene with you and make sure everything went ok. She might have you lay down if she sees you are dizzy. She should get you some water or have a snack on hand if you have low blood sugar. Sometimes slaves simply need to cool down in a cage, or laying on the floor. Sometimes they need to cry to let out an emotional release. It's not uncommon for slaves to sob in their Mistress's laps.
DISCOUNTED OR FREE PLAY/BARTERING
Sometimes in a very rare circumstance you can work something out with a Dominatrix which will benefit you both. Do you work a job or have a skill she may need use of? Doing your regular and beloved Mistress a favor should not warrant free playtime. But if you are not someone who sessions often due to lack of funds she might be able to work out something. This is usually only possible if the Mistress has seen you a few times before due to trust.
Things we sometimes need:
- Web design, website building, logo design, photo retouching. Some Mistresses need things like this done. Usually slaves do this for free because they adore us, without expecting sessions but you never know.
-Can you offer her a free gym membership to a pricey gym? Free hotel stays? Airline miles you do not use? Think of what might benefit her that you can offer.
-Can you work on her car and save her a costly repair? Can you fix her roof? Landscape her yard?
-Can you edit her video clips, saving her a lot of time?
Things we never need in exchange for free sessions: Errands run, phones answered, work email answered (never, that’s an invasion of our client’s privacy), feet rubbed, massages, light house cleaning.
BECOME OUR FAVORITE AND WE SPOIL YOU RIGHT BACK
In an industry where men waste our time daily, and we have to weed through a million jerks to get to one serious submissive client, we simply adore when we get a very nice, respectful gentleman coming to see us for a session. Go out of your way spoiling us, and we tend to spoil you right back. Bring a gift. Rub our feet and talk after the session. Offer to help clean the dungeon afterwards. Offer to run errands before the session, see if she needs anything from a drug store. Be of use. Be polite. Before you know it, we will not care that your hour session is suddenly lasting 2 hours. Our Mistress friend hanging out inside will come in and play with you for pure fun, because you are the super cool sub of her friend and she wants to show you a good time. Suddenly you are invited for free to a fetish party she is throwing. Our fantastic clients get perks. And they deserve those perks for being fantastic and going above and beyond.
Has this guide helped you? Let me know: MichelleLacy85@yahoo.com
It took one hundred times as long to write this extensive piece,
as it did for you to read it.
It is one of the many things I do to give back to my BDSM community.