The Madonna-Wh0re Complex, and BDSM

After being a busy as heck, successful dominatrix for 20 years, I can say that I have met many thousands of kinky men in my career. Large numbers have been the people I have seen for private sessions, and countless others are those I have had deep discussions with.

Most of the people who book a dominatrix are married. Others are partnered up on and off, as is normal in life. They almost all do not have kink at home for various reasons. Usually this is because their partner is not kinky. Other times it's because they feel so shameful about the specific kinks they enjoy that they feel this would never be accepted at home due to the fear that their partner would be completely freaked out, or cultural beliefs. Sometimes people used to have kink at home, but their partner no longer is interested. Or their partner will not engage in the kink to nearly the depth of what they really need (it's too mild, excludes a lot).

A small number of those people could potentially have kink at home, but they will not, because they have the "Madonna-wh0re" complex. This is actually a real phenomenon, most famously studied by Sigmund Freud. This is where men look at their romantic partners as pure, saintly creatures whom they cherish, love, and respect. This creates the idea of their partner doing anything wildly sexual or naughty as utterly terrible to them. They cannot picture, and never want to, their wife doing anything kinky, and sometimes they do not even want their wives to have sex with them, protecting their pure image in their own minds. The Madonna. This can lead to very little sex in a relationship, or none at all. This especially progresses quickly after children are born, when a full mental shift takes place, if it has not already.

This also creates an opposite effect when those same men seek out women for sexual encounters outside of their marriages. The wh0re. They only have sexual attraction to women whom they do not at all respect or emotionally connect with. Where the wife is put on a pedestal, the wh0re is someone they could never respect or think highly of, yet that is who they desire.

There are conflicting beliefs among Freud and others about what causes this in men. Freud believes this may stem from a strong attachment to the man's own cherished Mother and her role in his upbringing, and he is now placing his wife in the same role and viewing her in the same way. They feel they would not ever want to "soil" this saintly, respected, loved figure with sexual acts. They cannot imagine that their wife is a human being who also has sexual needs and desires, and they discourage it.

Other people suggest this stems from an upbringing in strong, wrongful patriarchal roots where the man grew up in an environment where other men in their lives throughout their upbringing constantly painted the picture that women who desired sex and other bedroom fun were sinful and disgusting and that the wife's role is to be the caregiver and mother.

This relationship can be extremely damaging for the wife, as she feels she cannot be a real person with desires and an equal.

This situation can be seen in many movies and television shows, most famously Vertigo, Mad Men, Taxi Driver, and Modern Family, where Phil and Claire Dunphy had to pretend they were strangers to keep their sex life happening.

As a dominatrix, this comes up when men tell me that they could never imagine and do not want their wives doing BDSM. Not because she's just "not the type who would," but because, as they explain their view, it becomes clear that they unknowingly have a Madonna-Wh0re complex. Personally, I end up feeling a bit odd in the situation, and while I have never been treated as someone they don't respect, I know, deep down, they might think less of me for doing such a gig. These are usually people who don't form close bonds with me, check in on me, ask what is new, or wish me a happy birthday, unlike others I have been seeing for a long time. They simply thank me, have some small talk, and leave. Some have discussed our play in depth and have been very grateful for the deep, intense experiences I have given them, but do disappear until next time.

This can be helped, but it takes a lot of therapy. Much of the therapy involves learning to accept that sex and sexual exploration (kink too) are healthy and not dirty or shameful things. The shame in sex is a huge part of the psychological issue. The rest deals with changing how they see their wife and realizing that what they are actually doing is devaluing her as a human, when they thought they were doing the opposite. Therapy helps them connect with their wives in a more normal way and leads to a healthier home life, and this can be changed.